can’t fall into you

can’t fall into me

destroyed my own haven of innocence

should never have let that happen

so here between the emotion

and your delayed devotion

is the shadow of my tightly clutched blanket

over the wetness of my pillow, disappointment.

i need a companion and a common destination

all i get from you is an intermittent passenger

and my journeys between you and you

are too lonely now

your pride and my fear will be locked for a while

because none of us will put ourselves on the line

how ironic that we both have our cards on the table

but we seem to think that we can play each other

Would it have mattered if I had stayed?

What would you possibly have changed?

If I bound myself in your chains

That still wouldn’t have freed you of its claims.

See darling, we never were equals

Because your games, babe, always rhetorical

So I need to walk away while I still can

I need to think of you as a different man

See, I was ready to be your walls of protection

If you agreed to open the doors to the landmines of your past

I would’ve held all the broken glass in my hands

Till you healed and gave us a real chance

See, I wanted to believe you

Till your actions proved me wrong

I thought I was your exception

But I was just another girl all along

Ironic, the girl who shut down your heart

Is the boy you have become to me

Yet you won’t accept that you’re faithless

You won’t admit you can’t go the distance

And how brilliantly we fool ourselves

That I blamed everyone but you

And how sadly you delude yourself

That you believe you are the victimized hero.

You can run me dry of emotion

But you can’t steal my innocence

Please continue to suffer in your one man show

Because I will move on regardless.

Gemini
Gemini ends the affair when he or she gets bored or when a partner makes to many emotional demands or does not appear to care enough for his/her happiness. While the affair may appear to end suddenly, Gemini has no doubt been secretly unhappy for a long time. Once a decision to end the affair has been made it will be irrevocable and Gemini will merely freeze the lover out and vanish.

Yup, sounds about right.

An eerie penchant for seeking the truth
He feels you out before he knows,
Dark honey eyes that look through you
Know your secrets even untold.

Skin so warm in the morning light
Lips I could watch all day
Natural affection, unblemished, unguarded
Passion that never fails to sweep me away.

I’ve seen him move mountains for a friend
I’ve seen him guard secrets till the end
I’ve seen him be a child with me
And fit in with sophisticated company
And when I hold him, safe and tight,
Barefeet, I can place my head just right
To hear his heart beating, to hear it go quiet
I could escape the world in that silence

But I forgot all that, gave up the safe haven
Foolishly I wandered out on my own
What I was searching for, I wish I knew
For I shot myself, and now I’m alone.

My own avarice, I wanted more
Convinced his love was untrue
If I heard the song behind his words before
I wouldn’t be singing heartbreak blues

A woman scorned, I thought myself
Not good enough to be taken out in style?
Trapped forever in the walls of this home
Clocking up no frequent miles?

The romantic, the writer, struggled in me,
The practical in me goaded them on
When I was tired of trying, the rebel broke free
And when daylight came, they were all gone.

And now I must with the wreckage deal
My fantasy blinded me to your real love
I walk around, tape, scissors and seal
Hoping my makeshift fixes will hold up.

Its now a hot summer’s eve
And there’s nowhere I’d rather be
Than at a dusty table with cheap chinese
And then curl up with you and a bad movie

walking out at 6pm
the rain is light on my skin
it shocks me with its happy rhythm
i forgot the rest of the world doesn’t know

my eyes are hot with tears
my heart is drenched in guilt
there’s nothing i can do or say
that will take away the regret

but honey, i did, and i do, love you
please, don’t ever take that away
please don’t let my few wayward hours
tarnish the sepia memories of yesterday

irony’s playing a cruel game
ive longed for the words you’ve said
and now instead of melting over me
they’re like acid needles in my chest

i never knew i could be so cold
i can still feel the steel turn of the knife
there were places in me i dared not go
and now, sadly, i know why

the people i love the most in the world
were the people i hated most in the world
i kept it all in, locked my own wants away
what was the point? now they hate me anyway.

the who and how don’t matter now
though i know you think they do
when were words ever our strength, honey?
a simple test can tell the truth

all in need is to lay you down and hold you
to run my hands on your skin
to run my fingers through your hair
to make you feel safe, baby, in my care
to look into your eyes and whisper gently
go to sleep, my love, we’ll be okay

and if i feel you let go in my arms
and if i feel you rest your hand in mine

then i know i can breathe a sigh of relief
then i know with time we have a chance to heal

because if that doesn’t work
no poem, no song, no scented oil will

and it might not work
because i wonder if you can touch me
the way you used to
and watch me
the way you used to
and if you can,
and if you do,
and if i don’t choke,
it will still burn

because i know me
and i know you
i remember when you were on the other side
you’ve been here too, when is it ever the same
when does the crack get thinner with  time

watching each other sleep
violent images, sounds and smells
what was and what could be,

i still scan the streets for her face
scan your face for a sign
paranoia is not a pretty place
just a step above the fires of hell..
but it turns everything black anyway

so i can understand if its easier
to walk on than forget that night
i won’t fight to keep you, baby
no, not this time.

i want to stay with you
i hope you know
except i’m not really with you, am i?
just fitting into slivers of your precious time
time that is never wasted
on watching games or getting drunk
unless its only with me
imagined risks that never existed
when you still didn’t have me
i disappear until you need me
i disappear until you want me
i disappear until i actually do
and i must understand
and i must act like i understand
and you claim to understand
but really, what good is it to me?
really, what have you done for me?
made me aware of my own sickness
made me aware of the amount i can give
(i never knew really the amount i could give)
an unhealthy acceptance of the little you can give me
or the alternative of having nothing at all
those are my only choices?
i deserve better.