When I was a little girl, holding hands was part of a smile
It meant I liked the mud castle the boy who lived next door made with me
And back we’d walk from the park when my Mum, sister cradled in her arms
Would call out from the verandah “Enough, doll, the street lights are on”
So we’d destroy the mud castle (just incase the other children stole the idea)
And we’d walk back home holding hands
Finding new flowers and pretty stones along the way to put into tomorrow’s gravely adventure
Never learning from experience that our mothers would make us throw it away

When I went to school, hug was part of being sorry
It meant I felt bad that the stupid bully from grade two had stolen his food
And even scratched the very picture on top of his brand new dark blue tiffin box
His mother would be so angry
So I’d hug him at the end of school when they separated us into bus lines
Both of us wondering how he would fare
And when I went home, I’d tell Dad as he kissed me goodnight
“Did you see my tiffin - all the pictures on it still work”
And when he said “It’s ok even if it doesn’t, tata, go to sleep”

When I was eleven, the boy I sat next to gave me his hanky when I was crying
I had failed my Sanskrit exam
I had never failed anything before
He left it on my desk, so i kissed him thank you at my best friends birthday party
When no one was looking because the cake was being cut
It seemed only natural
And I had had too much sugar
The next day when I told everyone he sat in another room
I could hear him there, telling his friends about me
“She’s lying, I don’t love her. Liar.”
His best friend said the b-word - the one for girls
Loudly
So i could hear him
So I said the b-word for boys from the other classroom back.
You know - the seven letter one.
That’s two letters more than his.
Stupid boys with no vocabulary.
I was confused. I was crying, and I wouldn’t tell my teacher why.
He asked for his seat to be moved.
And I never spoke to him again.

And now when I hold a hand
Or hug
Or smile
Or kiss

I wonder

Why can’t it just be
A smile
A hug
A kiss

Why does it need to be something?
Why does it have to mean something?
Why does it have to be interpreted?
Why are they good kisses?
And awkward hugs?
And meaningful smiles?
And still a secrecy around holding a boys hands.
What is it with that, boys?
It’s just your bloody hand.
You’re fine with the other bloody parts.

And if I hold a girls hands,
Or kiss her when she’s crying
Or hug a colleague who has broken down in the bathroom
Coz her stupid boy started going out with a girl from year two in college
(What is it with year two in educational institutions that makes people stupid?)
Then we are “too close”?

I want to go back to being five years old
When even my mum didn’t bother if I was under a blanket with my best friend
During a sleepover
Because he and I got scared
While tried to scare each other
With scary stories

I want to go back to being able to just hug and smile
And not needing to have to words,
Or to say the words
Or write the words
To transmit every feeling in my heart
Every debt of emotion
There aren’t words to define all things
That’s why we are still inventing words you idiots
And we will never invent them all
Because we don’t understand the human heart
So we can’t have a word for its every nuance
There’s only one word for love
One
Word.

One.

For

Something

As

Beautiful
Tragic
Breathtaking
Majestic
Heart breaking
Soul warming
Gratifying
Intoxicating
Gut wrenching
Earth rotating
Money squandering
War inciting

As love.

So please
Can we all just go back
To smiles, hugs, kisses and sex?

Oh wait, I never mentioned sex did I?
Oops.

I am tired of this place
I am tired of your face
It’s time for me to move on
It’s time you are erased

Yet when pen comes to paper
When dreams come to play
It’s your warm touch that lingers
It’s your voice that I crave

They tell me be gentle with yourself
They say deep wounds take time
Oh fools, if they knew what this recovery has cost
If they knew how perfectly your body was built for mine

In night skies I see lovers on Lygon
By day they pick carpet colors at Harvey
But if naive hope keeps me from healing
Then surely the fool in this story is me?

Smart enough not to need forever young
Wise enough to dream of an imperfect love
Tough enough to make it happen
Tell myself every night I’m better than this

Look at my own life on the outside
I can see through the glass my own wry smile
There’s a whole life inside me wasted
All the things I could’ve made last
Wasted in pride and circumstance

Darling life can be perfect
And suddenly it’s not mine
Sometimes joy is not enough to know
Sometimes the sadness must grow

Look at all the people
In and out with lives like mine
Bleeding healing keeping giving
Tears, nostalgia, 3am with wine
Walk walk walk and then you die

can’t fall into you

can’t fall into me

destroyed my own haven of innocence

should never have let that happen

so here between the emotion

and your delayed devotion

is the shadow of my tightly clutched blanket

over the wetness of my pillow, disappointment.

i need a companion and a common destination

all i get from you is an intermittent passenger

and my journeys between you and you

are too lonely now

your pride and my fear will be locked for a while

because none of us will put ourselves on the line

how ironic that we both have our cards on the table

but we seem to think that we can play each other

Would it have mattered if I had stayed?

What would you possibly have changed?

If I bound myself in your chains

That still wouldn’t have freed you of its claims.

See darling, we never were equals

Because your games, babe, always rhetorical

So I need to walk away while I still can

I need to think of you as a different man

See, I was ready to be your walls of protection

If you agreed to open the doors to the landmines of your past

I would’ve held all the broken glass in my hands

Till you healed and gave us a real chance

See, I wanted to believe you

Till your actions proved me wrong

I thought I was your exception

But I was just another girl all along

Ironic, the girl who shut down your heart

Is the boy you have become to me

Yet you won’t accept that you’re faithless

You won’t admit you can’t go the distance

And how brilliantly we fool ourselves

That I blamed everyone but you

And how sadly you delude yourself

That you believe you are the victimized hero.

You can run me dry of emotion

But you can’t steal my innocence

Please continue to suffer in your one man show

Because I will move on regardless.

I love you without complexities
Not for what you can do for me,
Not for how I fulfil your needs,
No involvement of moralities
No ifs, just straightforwardly,
Not your heartache, not your laugh
Not what you have, not what you didn’t get
Not the weakness nor the strength

I love you because really
What choice did I have
You could’ve been 20 and depressive
30 and abrasive
I still would’ve loved you
The essence is what stays when all else has changed
And the essence, it blends well with mine

I knew all along.
I knew I never had a chance.
I always get the feeling that I’ve known you before
I had let you in before you even saw the door

You were surprised when we first made love
“Did you expect this to happen”, you asked.
I laughed incredulously and looked at you
“You didn’t?” I replied.

Truth is wasted on the cynics

And unblemished devotion

On the broken hearted

If you believe you’ve been marked for life

You just have.

If you can’t remember what you saw

When she first walked into your life

She might as well walk out right now

For a million girls will love you the most they can

And a million new friends will cherish you

Till they can’t anymore

But you keep waiting for them to love you

The way you want to be loved

Expect them to cater to your unexpected weaknesses

Expect to only cater for their agreeable ones

But love isn’t perfect; love just is.

Make of it what you will.

Empty room and empty bed
Black black night, but all I see is red
No promise can keep you here
No door can make me leave 
Must I call it love..long past that stage
I’m calling you, already rehearsing a voicemail
Tell me, baby, do you just keep me
For warm summer eve company?
Giving just enough, of pre-rehearsed love
To turn me around each time I leave?
Well, its far too little to keep me happy
No promise of it getting better
A growing bedside pile of love letters
False consolation, he’ll regret it someday
Deep within I know, you’ll be the one to walk away
Once you tire of me desperately wanting you
Once you find someone new loving you

i want to stay with you
i hope you know
except i’m not really with you, am i?
just fitting into slivers of your precious time
time that is never wasted
on watching games or getting drunk
unless its only with me
imagined risks that never existed
when you still didn’t have me
i disappear until you need me
i disappear until you want me
i disappear until i actually do
and i must understand
and i must act like i understand
and you claim to understand
but really, what good is it to me?
really, what have you done for me?
made me aware of my own sickness
made me aware of the amount i can give
(i never knew really the amount i could give)
an unhealthy acceptance of the little you can give me
or the alternative of having nothing at all
those are my only choices?
i deserve better.

he’s not a man
who talks too much
but you know inside
he has a lot to hide

he’s not a man
to tell you straight
he’ll watch from afar
and be your silent guard

he’s not a man
who rushes things
its strangely nice
that he takes his time

he’s the kind of man
you want around
when the world spins too fast
and nothing good seems to last

he’s the kind of man
you feel calmer around
who keeps you safe
and knows when to cave.

he’s the kind of man
for warm winter evenings
for simple conversations
for an uncomplicated life

but he didn’t get all those things
and when he smiles, you can see it sometimes
so i pray that his dreams do come true
even if it is a little late, i hope she finds you
that girl who you’ve been looking for,
the house, the car, and even the boat by the shore.

for you’re the kind of man
who makes the best of friends
and it would break my heart
to see you forcing your hopes to end.

you helped to keep my dreams from being torn
i sincerely hope god helps you fulfil your own.

i trusted you

somewhere in the arguments

somewhere in the justifications

we both were innocent

now we’re both guilty

now i can’t believe you

even though i want to

now i can’t believe me

even though i need to

i needed you

promises so well intentioned

diseased by self obsession

you shut me out when i called for you

and now you want to be there for me

but you have no integrity

no strength

no character

with what faith would i come to you?

started out so pure

what tainted our love

murky shadows of ifs and buts

no sentence meaning just what it is

what poisoned you into lies and deceipt

i speak to my friends

they tell me you told them all my secrets

you told them not to tell me they knew

all the ones i cried and confessed

during the moments of nothingness in each others arms

my most well kept darknesses

you told them

do you know how much i fought my inner demons?

do you know how hard it was to reveal it to you?

my innermost sins, i let you in on them

so you could see right through me

cause i wanted you to know me through and through

i wanted you to be the one person who saw me

you abused that right

and you told them

yet you told them?

so simply, so cruelly?

and you told your friends about our secrets

and your family about things that were just for you and me

you never felt anything while you said those words?

while you betrayed us?

crashed even the little that was real to the ground?

was it that easy for you to slander it all?

was it that easy for you to let go?

it wasnt that easy for me

it still isnt

but i never told them any of yours

and i never will

i never revealed your most private shames

the ones you whispered with fear of rejection in your eyes

i protected you

hell, i almost mothered you

when i was a child

mentored you

when i was still learning

made your dreams come true

while mine were crashing

i protected you for years

from yourself

from your fears

even when you had left me

cared nothing for me

even when you came back asking for my company

i soothed you even when i needed soothing

i calmed you when i was simmering

i cheered you while i was despondent

then for a minute i let my feelings through

asked you why you did this to me

still you ask me

what are you trying to make me do, break up with her?

still you tell me

i will never come back if this is how you are, is that what you want?

i cared for you

i would’ve given up everything

i had dreams of running to your side

being the girl who saved your life

i guess

i was foolish and young

i wanted to know you

every part of your mind, body and soul

on the plane,

so embarrassingly human

but i loved you the same

no matter how wrong

no matter how small

every childhood fragment of memory

every place close to your heart

every thought and every action

i wanted to know everything

i wanted to know you

better than yourself

even when you resisted

i dug out the parts you didnt want to deal with

helped you sort out your past

will she?

you were my partner

you were meant to dance with me

the weekdays, the weekends and the holidays

the everydays and the special days

you were meant to witness everything

everything

i would’ve opened up my entire heart to you

i would’ve opened my entire life for you

and that’s not an easy thing for me to do

im not like other people that way

even though i never believed in firsts or lasts

you were meant to be my first, my last

and everything in between

you were meant to be

everything

did i not say it loud enough?

did you decide not to hear me?

did you decide not to care?

did you not understand that you were my destiny?

did you not understand the power of the ring?

di you not understand through thick and thin?

with 60 days of trauma

you erased the 5 years

and the 50 ahead

for i can never come back now

even when every muscle aches to

every thought is for you

every fantasy is, still, with you.

and if you need me to return

then change something

make me believe

that i can trust you

that i can need you

that i can care for you

that i can protect you

without being hated

for losing my strength just for a few weeks

that you will not lie to me

about the small things

the big things

and the in between

make me believe

you will not deceive me

i hadn’t left yet

but i will now.

i will not be taken for a fool.

i will not be slave to my emotions.

i will choose against my will.

don’t make me do that.

the last thing i want

is for you to forget about this story

and leave this song unsung

but right now

these words are caught in my throat

and they dont deserve to be

i shouldn’t have to make myself desirable

you know what i am

you know who i am

you know my strengths

and my weaknesses

and you know where to find me

you left me alone in a foreign country

unloved, confused, desperate, angry

you left me without even your friendship

it was easy for you

you were with your family

there is a law of karma

you are alone in a foreign country

desperate, confused and angry

i came to you with my last remaining shred of strength

it wasn’t easy for me

i am not with my family

now feel it

and tell me

was it fair to cut off my only life support

in a cold melbourne winter?

i hear winters are pretty cold there too.

(shifted from my other blog, which i am closing down. http://techsieveonline.blogspot.com still stays alive though).

Comments (Sorry can’t “import”  ‘em):

Onkar Joshi said…

That’s….well, a lot words put together very, very well.

August 5, 2008 10:39 PM

TSO said…

i didnt know anyone read this blog! i wanted a quiet place to put it up, but my desktop was too silent.

August 6, 2008 3:02 AM

I used to be strong

They tell me I still am

Then why do I feel so shredded

Why do I feel like the wind is blowing for me

Whispering bitter secrets that curdle my blood

Salting my bruised ego, mocking my blindness

Can’t believe I didn’t see

Can’t believe you were just like the others

Can’t believe you’re still telling yourself you’re not

But most of all

I can’t believe I still love you

That I’d still take you back

I’m the fool I used to laugh at

Its a cruel circle of life

I’m back here, where you pushed me

Four years ago

Dark, wet, ragged thoughts

Sharpening themselves against my princess dreams

Voices in my head, never heard them

I fought them off in true love’s name

I weakened what made me me

I gave up what I was to be with you

Always was a perfect actress

And now when I need it the most

My river runs dry

It’s too cold here for my tears to dry

The blinds are open, there’s no sunshine

Summer’s a far cry away

You stand there

And I stand here

And how did this happen?

Weren’t we forever?

I can’t figure it out

So I fight

You can’t figure it out

So you turn around

And walk away

I’m not a victim, I don’t want to be one

And I’m not saying there was another way

Maybe you’re stronger than me

But I don’t have to be gracious about this

I can’t.

Cause I still love you.

And that’s forever.

- Inspired by events on 12 July 2008

(I also found this beautiful heartbreak song on youtube which is better than anything Norah Jones can ever hope to sing. Its called “someone you used to know”, lyrics below.)

 

Lyrics to Someone You Used to Know by KokoKaina (YouTube) Copyright 2008

It was helpless anyway
There’s nothing much we could do or say
Darling don’t you think it’s a shame?
That it had to end this way
So here’s to say goodbye,
Our love is lost, and we cant figure why
Maybe it really is about time
That we finally made up our minds
So Darling, here’s to you
I hope that when you find someone new
That she would always be true to you
To love and understand you
Soon you’ll build new memories
Then slowly you’d forget about me
Then I would slowly be
A distant memory
*Soon I’ll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
For letting you go
Time is not for wasting
I hope you’ll find your intended
But I’m sorry
That your intended I’sn’t me
It’s not an easy thing
To shake off our history
I know that’s what you want from me
But they will always stay with me
I admit I made mistakes
But darling with you it’s just the same
If we stay there will be more to make
I dont know how much more we can take
Darling, it would be unfair
For you to stay with something no longer there
But it doesn’t mean I no longer care
But I feel like a burden you can no longer bear

(PS I have no idea why I named the post what I did. California songs are always soothing - Californication, Hotel California, California Calling, California here I come). And right now, the mood is right. )