There is perhaps nothing more beautiful than knowing that beautiful love exists out there. Even if it hasn’t quite found you yet. I have in the last 48 hours been distraught, upset, cranky, moody, snappy. No, I don’t have PMS. Just heartbroken. Again. For no new reason except events that have caused me to rehash chapters that should have closed months ago. And it hurts me just as it did when I was 16 getting over my first big crush.

To know that there is no way of knowing what is supposed to be right or wrong, to know that there is no way of knowing whether you are/were making the right decision (and no decision is a decision, after all). Its hard. Especially if you’re the kind of person who is as stupidly thick skinned on the outside as she is fragile on the inside, and refuses to take anyone’s emotional help except those in her innermost circle - and hence tends to fall apart twice as much as is necessary. Especially when she loses someone in that inner circle.

But I’m still standing here, and there are two solid reasons:

1. I have an amazing support structure. My friends, my family, even those I know through social networks alone (you know who you are) will WhatsApp me, Tweet me, FB inbox me, text me just as I need it. How does this happen? How do friends intuitively pick that moment to say hi? I have to believe that is karma at work. And for that selfish reason alone I am never going to forsake these lovely human beings in times of need.

2. I have seen love blossom through the roughest of circumstances. So ok, I was hoping that would be my story too. And yes, for every great love story, I have also witnessed my friends - both male and female - go through break ups that wrenched my heart just sitting on the outside. But there is something about seeing my loved ones get together with their special partners despite hell and high water. It makes you believe, Goddamit. And if you believe, you can smile again. :)

Yesterday, a gentleman who I am particularly fond of and who is particularly good at putting a positive spin on things happened to be my self nominated sounding board for a where-is-the-love vent. I started with an innocent “whats up?” SMS (yeah, he had no idea what I was roping him into!) And he replied “just at home watching a game, sharing a couch with my very sick girl”.

See that? That, right there. I didn’t even need the rest of the vent. I just signed off with a “If you want to help me, be happy, and take care of her. I need to believe and see good strong true love right now.”

That’s what he’s probably doing right now. And this weekend, he will inevitably fall sick when he goes out. And she will look after him. And I will fall in love with both of them. Oh, I could hug them both for just being themselves.

There is a reason you are still in my life. Would somebody please enlighten me as to what in God’s name it is. Cause still having you in my life is driving me insANE.

you didn’t know

i was trying to heal for you 

and i didn’t know

i was wounding you 

you kept telling me

things i already knew

that wasn’t why i left

i just couldn’t hurt you

you were the last one untouched

the last unconverted believer 

i turned around from cynic’s end

when i saw you in my rearview mirror

so please don’t hate me

i just couldn’t bear to see you fall

you’re the reason i’m still trying

so i can’t be the reason you give up on it all

baby, i wish you could understand

i left so you could be with her

that her, right now, it isn’t me

maybe not this lifetime, not this year at least. 

you use him as an alibi

and it allows you to smile

so i’d rather let it be

coz maybe then you won’t hate me

yes, i was selfish, and yes, i was wrong

so the mixed tape on my table with unheard songs

will never make it to your front door

will never accompany our first getaway alone

you made me weak in my mind

in places i didnt know existed

you wouldve eventually made it to my heart

if you just had the patience and had waited

wrapped in my quilt

wrapped in my guilt

im drinking tea and listening to TSTM

but still sunday mornings arent the same

i wish we were friends longer, 

i wish we had taken our chance later,

i wish we had taken it slow

i wish we hadn’t crashed and burned.

Would it have mattered if I had stayed?

What would you possibly have changed?

If I bound myself in your chains

That still wouldn’t have freed you of its claims.

See darling, we never were equals

Because your games, babe, always rhetorical

So I need to walk away while I still can

I need to think of you as a different man

See, I was ready to be your walls of protection

If you agreed to open the doors to the landmines of your past

I would’ve held all the broken glass in my hands

Till you healed and gave us a real chance

See, I wanted to believe you

Till your actions proved me wrong

I thought I was your exception

But I was just another girl all along

Ironic, the girl who shut down your heart

Is the boy you have become to me

Yet you won’t accept that you’re faithless

You won’t admit you can’t go the distance

And how brilliantly we fool ourselves

That I blamed everyone but you

And how sadly you delude yourself

That you believe you are the victimized hero.

You can run me dry of emotion

But you can’t steal my innocence

Please continue to suffer in your one man show

Because I will move on regardless.

Gemini
Gemini ends the affair when he or she gets bored or when a partner makes to many emotional demands or does not appear to care enough for his/her happiness. While the affair may appear to end suddenly, Gemini has no doubt been secretly unhappy for a long time. Once a decision to end the affair has been made it will be irrevocable and Gemini will merely freeze the lover out and vanish.

Yup, sounds about right.

I love you without complexities
Not for what you can do for me,
Not for how I fulfil your needs,
No involvement of moralities
No ifs, just straightforwardly,
Not your heartache, not your laugh
Not what you have, not what you didn’t get
Not the weakness nor the strength

I love you because really
What choice did I have
You could’ve been 20 and depressive
30 and abrasive
I still would’ve loved you
The essence is what stays when all else has changed
And the essence, it blends well with mine

I knew all along.
I knew I never had a chance.
I always get the feeling that I’ve known you before
I had let you in before you even saw the door

You were surprised when we first made love
“Did you expect this to happen”, you asked.
I laughed incredulously and looked at you
“You didn’t?” I replied.

An eerie penchant for seeking the truth
He feels you out before he knows,
Dark honey eyes that look through you
Know your secrets even untold.

Skin so warm in the morning light
Lips I could watch all day
Natural affection, unblemished, unguarded
Passion that never fails to sweep me away.

I’ve seen him move mountains for a friend
I’ve seen him guard secrets till the end
I’ve seen him be a child with me
And fit in with sophisticated company
And when I hold him, safe and tight,
Barefeet, I can place my head just right
To hear his heart beating, to hear it go quiet
I could escape the world in that silence

But I forgot all that, gave up the safe haven
Foolishly I wandered out on my own
What I was searching for, I wish I knew
For I shot myself, and now I’m alone.

My own avarice, I wanted more
Convinced his love was untrue
If I heard the song behind his words before
I wouldn’t be singing heartbreak blues

A woman scorned, I thought myself
Not good enough to be taken out in style?
Trapped forever in the walls of this home
Clocking up no frequent miles?

The romantic, the writer, struggled in me,
The practical in me goaded them on
When I was tired of trying, the rebel broke free
And when daylight came, they were all gone.

And now I must with the wreckage deal
My fantasy blinded me to your real love
I walk around, tape, scissors and seal
Hoping my makeshift fixes will hold up.

Its now a hot summer’s eve
And there’s nowhere I’d rather be
Than at a dusty table with cheap chinese
And then curl up with you and a bad movie

walking out at 6pm
the rain is light on my skin
it shocks me with its happy rhythm
i forgot the rest of the world doesn’t know

my eyes are hot with tears
my heart is drenched in guilt
there’s nothing i can do or say
that will take away the regret

but honey, i did, and i do, love you
please, don’t ever take that away
please don’t let my few wayward hours
tarnish the sepia memories of yesterday

irony’s playing a cruel game
ive longed for the words you’ve said
and now instead of melting over me
they’re like acid needles in my chest

i never knew i could be so cold
i can still feel the steel turn of the knife
there were places in me i dared not go
and now, sadly, i know why

the people i love the most in the world
were the people i hated most in the world
i kept it all in, locked my own wants away
what was the point? now they hate me anyway.

the who and how don’t matter now
though i know you think they do
when were words ever our strength, honey?
a simple test can tell the truth

all in need is to lay you down and hold you
to run my hands on your skin
to run my fingers through your hair
to make you feel safe, baby, in my care
to look into your eyes and whisper gently
go to sleep, my love, we’ll be okay

and if i feel you let go in my arms
and if i feel you rest your hand in mine

then i know i can breathe a sigh of relief
then i know with time we have a chance to heal

because if that doesn’t work
no poem, no song, no scented oil will

and it might not work
because i wonder if you can touch me
the way you used to
and watch me
the way you used to
and if you can,
and if you do,
and if i don’t choke,
it will still burn

because i know me
and i know you
i remember when you were on the other side
you’ve been here too, when is it ever the same
when does the crack get thinner with  time

watching each other sleep
violent images, sounds and smells
what was and what could be,

i still scan the streets for her face
scan your face for a sign
paranoia is not a pretty place
just a step above the fires of hell..
but it turns everything black anyway

so i can understand if its easier
to walk on than forget that night
i won’t fight to keep you, baby
no, not this time.

On Thursday I realized in the middle of writing notes in a work meeting, that I’ve unconsciously started using square bullets like you do instead of the star bullets I have used since high school.

This makes me inexplicably and totally happy.
I looked pretty stupid - grinning at the long list of action items in my notebook like I wanted to hug them.

Truth is wasted on the cynics

And unblemished devotion

On the broken hearted

If you believe you’ve been marked for life

You just have.

If you can’t remember what you saw

When she first walked into your life

She might as well walk out right now

For a million girls will love you the most they can

And a million new friends will cherish you

Till they can’t anymore

But you keep waiting for them to love you

The way you want to be loved

Expect them to cater to your unexpected weaknesses

Expect to only cater for their agreeable ones

But love isn’t perfect; love just is.

Make of it what you will.